"Throughout high school, I felt empty and insecure about myself. My life was so chaotic. I couldn’t understand why the more I tried to gain control of my problems, the more out of control they became.
Meanwhile I thought I was a Christian, because I went to church on Sundays, read the Bible, and so on; Deeds I thought that made me a Christian. But I never really had a relationship with God. I was seeking for love. What I really wanted was for someone to appreciate me. I wanted someone to love me regardless of my imperfection, my mistakes, and my background. I was seeking for that kind of love. I dated for a while. However, this resulted in lying, betrayal, mistrust, and broken relationships. My relationship with my friends and family were going downhill. I couldn’t concentrate or care about anything anymore. I thought suicide was the only answer for me. I hated myself, my life. Thank God I never committed it.
God has put so many wonderful people in my life to help, care, and love me. One night after the Billy Graham Crusade, someone asked me if I was a Christian. I said I was. But later on I discovered I was not. I didn’t fully grasp the meaning of who and what Jesus did, dying for us out of the act of love. He was just something I learned. However deep inside I knew it was the answer I’ve been searching for. I wanted to feel the love and guidance from God that Christians talked about. Stubbornly I still wasn’t willing to accept this, and surrender my total trust and faith in Him.
In the Fall semester of college, I went to an Intervarsity Christian event. Shockingly, I instantly spilled about my struggle to the staff worker there. He drew a picture and showed me because of sin, I was separated from God. My deeds all fell short of connecting to God. It was Christ himself that made the connection. God had already loved me even with my faults because no one is perfect. I learned that I couldn’t control anything anyways. That day my ears and heart were opened, listening to the meaning of those words. That night, I talked to my aunt and uncle about what happened. I decided I had nothing worthy to lose if I surrender my will, rather I had more to gain Finally I decided I wanted to change, to have God transform my heart, my ways, my life. I realized God was with my throughout my life and I wanted to accept that and invite Him in. I said this in my prayer of repentance to Him. I told God I knew I was a sinner and have been wrong in my blindness and stubborn heart. I asked Him to forgive me and to continue to love me. I wanted God to fill the emptiness in me so that I could rejoice in True Joy and Love.
Jesus has really made a difference in my life. I’ve learned to trust in Him and be patient in His ways. I’ve learned to try to love and forgive others as Christ has forgiven me. God has opened my eyes to see how so many other people are searching for the same kind of love I was looking for in all the wrong places, giving me the words and opportunity to tell them the eternal love He has provided for them. I’m continuing to find out how God keeps his promises and will never abandon me." |
